At her four-month checkup yesterday, E was diagnosed with “severe” eczema all over her body. This wasn’t a surprise to B and me, but it does come with a pretty cray-cray treatment plan. Here is how my nights are going to go for the next two weeks, or at least until we see the dermatologist.
1. Strip baby down to diaper.
2. Begin to rub steroid ointment on baby’s skin.
3. Notice baby is scratching at the skin covered in the ointment.
4. Panic as you watch baby put hands in her mouth.
5. Scramble to find a pair of scratch mitts to put on baby’s hands while you finish with the ointment.
6. Notice baby is rubbing mitted hands all over the skin covered in the ointment.
7. Panic as you watch baby put mitted hands in her mouth.
8. Hold baby’s hands with one hand while you try to squeeze ointment from the tube AND coat baby’s body in it with the other hand.
9. Panic as baby starts to gnaw on YOUR hand that is covered in the ointment.
10. Magically grow an extra pair of hands to get the job done.
(Okay, #10 is just wishful thinking. You’re pretty much screwed and no matter what you do, baby ends up with steroid ointment in her mouth.)
11. Take a deep breath because the steroid ointment portion of the routine is now complete.
12. Begin to rub petroleum jelly on baby’s skin.
13. Repeat steps 6-11, but with the petroleum jelly instead of ointment.
14. Try to pick baby up.
15. Panic as greased up baby nearly slips through your hands.
16. Measure peppermint-flavored liquid antihistamine to give to baby.
(Side note: Who the bloody hell would make an INFANT medicine peppermint flavored?)
17. Squirt medicine into baby’s mouth.
18. Laugh hysterically at the faces baby is making at the taste of peppermint.
19. Cry a little because you feel bad that baby hates the taste of peppermint THAT much.
20. Wipe up all of the peppermint-flavored medicine baby has spit out all over herself.
Piece of cake. With this 20-step, twice-a-day program, my baby will be eczema free in no time.
She’d better be.
Mama needs some wine.